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[초등첨삭 25탄] 내 아이 영어 Writing 실력은?

글쓴이 왕파파

등록일 2010-04-05 09:49

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아래의 컨텐츠는 초등학생이 직접 작성한 영어작문을 원어민 선생님이 실제로 첨삭지도 한 내용입니다.
또래 아이들의 영어작문 결과를 통해 내 아이 작문기초!! 살~작 엳보는 기회로 활용하세요.
같은주제로 내 아이에게 직접 써보게 하시는 것도 Writing 실력을 Up시키는 좋은 방법입니다.

 

[작문제목]

Imagine you are an archaeologist with unlimited money. Where would you choose to study and dig for artifacts? Why would you choose this place? What would you hope to find? 

 

[학생작문]

I would choose to study and dig for artifacts in China, and Egypt. It's because in China, there are interesting places that I can find many things 1. in.Also, in Egypt, there 2. is 3. mystery 4. pyramid. 5. So I can find many beautiful artifacts.
6. First reason 7. is that, I will choose the great wall of 8. China. 9. It's because there is very famous place in China, and I think I can find many artifacts in there. Also, 10. maybe 11. there are full of many ancient 12. things 13. so I can find many amazing and wonderful things.
This wall was built 14. by kings of old 15. china to protect their country from northern people. The great wall is located in 16. china. Most people 17. called 18. ten thousand 19. li 20. wall 21. is not exactly ten thousand 22. li. 23. this is a false legend. 24. even if you add all the 25. side branches, the total length 26. is 27. only 28. 50006000km. One special thing about this wall is that, 29. the wall is more 30.frim on the east side. 31.and they 32.used 33.more harder materials towards 34.east side of the wall. I want to find wonderful 35.an ancient things in there.
Second reason is 36.that, I will go to 37.the pyramid in Egypt. It's because 38.there is the Egypt's pyramids are very famous 39.in all around the world. Also, Khufu's Pyramid 40.one of the Seven Wonders of the World. So, I want to find many ancient 41.Egypt's artifacts.
If I'm in Khufu's Pyramid, I would find 42.Egypt's many amazing artifacts. There would 43.many interesting things. Also, 44.there is very 45.mystery. I want to find 46.imprtant 47.thing too. It's because 48.that would be 49.a important 50.imformation 51.than any other things.
So, all of these reasons 52.are why I would choose to study and dig for artifacts in 53.China, and Egypt.

 

 

[첨삭내용]

 

Spelling/철자
30.frim : firm
46.imprtant : important
50.imformation : information,
Grammar_Articles(the, a or an)/관사
6. First : The first
14. by : by the
34.east : the east
35.an ancient : ancient
37.the : a
49.a important : important
Grammar_Prepositions(on, at, from, by, to.....)/전치사
39.in all : all
Grammar_Conjunction(and, but)/접속사
31.and they : They
Grammar_Capitalization/대소문자
15. china : China
16. china : China
23. this : This
24. even : Even
Grammar_Conjugation/동사변화활용
Grammar_Punctuation/부호사용
1. in.Also : in. Also
8. China. : China
12. things : things,
20. wall : Wall",
36.that, : that
47.thing : things,
53.China, : China
Essay Format_Sentence Structure/문장의 구성
7. is that, I : I
13. so : so that
18. ten : it the "Ten
21. is : although it is
25. side branches : sides
27. only : only be
28. 50006000km : 5,600 km
29. the wall : it
32.used : also used
38.there is the Egypt's : Egypt's
40.one : is one
42.Egypt's many : a lot of Egypt's
43.many : would also be other
44.there is very : I like
Essay Format_inappropriate Words/단어사용 적절성
2. is : are
3. mystery : mysterious
4. pyramid : pyramids
5. So : Therefore,
9. It's : is
10. maybe : perhaps
11. there : they
17. called : call
19. li : mile
22. li : miles
26. is : would
33.more harder : hard
41.Egypt's : Egyptian
45.mystery : mysteries
48.that : those
51.than : above
52.are : justify

 

[강사 Comments]

Wow, now that was a very informative essay. I only know a handful of people who want this kind of thing -- being an archaeologist. It involves a lot of digging and a lot of study. On your essay, you had pretty good ideas there. However, you lacked a couple of parts on your essay, particularly essay parts. On your sentences, you did also did quite well, just be careful on capitalization and punctuation, okay? Avoid using conjunctions like "and" and "but" on the beginning of your sentences. Don't get careless on spelling, too. It might confuse your readers if you neglect them. Practice more! I know you'll be better soon, for you're in the right track! Good luck!


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